and the beat goes on

my life seems to forever be in shambles. just when i think things are falling back into place, everything falls apart. i still feel like i have no idea what i am doing, or what to do. everything i have worked towards in the past has gone to shit, and it just feels impossible to fix. i feel completely lost without my dad. every single day i break down about it in some way or another. as strong as i may seem, sometimes i feel like i'm not at all. i feel like i can't do this anymore. and i really miss my brother. he is the only one i have left, and he is 2,500 miles away. i'm also so sick of dreaming about my family and the deaths. it's too much for me to go through. i wake up and it's just a huge mind fuck every time.

why did i come back here? yes, a lot of the depression that i was building up has gone away since being back. but has it actually gone away or have i just been pushing it aside and trying to ignore it? my friends and being around familiar things have helped a lot. but honestly, i think that coming back here was a mistake. since i did, i lost the best job i have ever had, been financially fucked, and have been SO much more stressed out than i would have been if i just stayed in richmond. but i'm here now, and i am not just going to run away from things again. i need to focus.

i finally got a job again. granted, it's only part time, and it's all the way in sanford. BUT it's job. i can work with this until i find something better. i need to go to ucf and talk to them and figure out what i can do and need to do in order to start school again. this will be challenging seeing as how i completely fucked my gpa my last semester, resulting in no more financial aid. so i don't know how i am going to get enough money to pay my rent, all my bills, other expenses like new tires and stuff, AND have money to pay for school. i don't even want to think about all this right now because it's stressing me out so bad.

i just want something good to happen for a change. i think i deserve it, right?


oh and ps. my birthday is next friday. awesome.