you know...it's been almost 2 months since my dad passed away, and i still have yet to hear from the medical examiner to find out the exact cause(s) of death. i am going crazy wondering about this, and i just need some sort of answer to ease my mind. part of me still doesn't even feel like this has hit hard yet like it should have. another part can't grasp the fact that my dad is gone. i had a dream a few nights ago that made me wake up and cry because it was a huge reminder that he is gone. it was so real. he was right there. i saw him. i hugged him. that feeling was so great and it wasn't even real. just typing this out right now is making me cry. granted, my dad wasn't the greatest person, and was far from being the greatest father, but he was all we had. now my brother and i are completely alone and it's really fucking hard. almost every single day i look at my phone and go to call his number just to realize there's no one to pick up that phone anymore. it almost feels like he is just gone again, back to prison. but if only he were there instead.
there's this terrible feeling inside my chest that feels like something wants to rip out, and it has been there since november 30th. i can't be here alone anymore. i have no friends here. nothing familiar. nothing that makes me really happy. yes, i've enjoyed being somewhere new, getting to see seasons and having wonderful weather, and met a handful of amazing people (which are mainly the ones i work with), but i just can't do this here anymore. i will be back in florida on january 31st. i need to be there. i need to be around friends. familiar things. closer to where i can take care of my dads things. i love it here, but i can't be here. not right now.
i hope this isn't a mistake. i just want to feel better. i want to be able to mourn the way i should be. i want to be able to move on from all this. i want to be ok.
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